Giving Your Children Boundaries

When you are the mother of a toddler/schoolchild/teenager and you describe to a friend or relative or even the nice lady you got talking to on the bus, something your child is doing that is driving you crazy, I bet they will nod wisely and say, “Ooh yes, they’re testing their boundaries.”

People used to do this to me and at first I hadn’t the faintest idea what they were talking about. I soon learned. I learned as well that there are different types of boundaries that we can impose on our children and they are not all good ways of “controlling” their behaviour.

Perhaps “guiding” would be a better word than “controlling” because if we were to control our children totally then the boundaries we would be putting on their lives would be absolutely constricting.

If we deny our children opportunities to make choices about their actions then we are not keeping them safe, we are keeping them prisoners. I am not advocating sending a four year old off on their own to learn road safety or a teenage girl to roam the streets at night to see what it’s like. But neither should we take our small children everywhere by car so they never know about waiting at a safe place on the pavement in order to cross the road, or ferry our big children in the same way, so they don’t know about always walking home with a group of friends or taking a licensed taxi.

Just as the constricting boundaries are bad for our children’s growth and experience, so are inconsistent limits and restraints. When we give children a code of behaviour we would like them to follow, we should try always to be firm, fair and consistent.

If we tell them that they must never answer the front door unless an adult is beside them, then we shouldn’t ask them to take the parcel from the postman just because we are on the phone. If we tell them they must never touch any tablets or medicine, then we shouldn’t ask them to climb up to the bathroom cabinet for some paracetamol, even if our headache is so bad we can barely move. If the rule was important in the first place, then it should be applied on every occasion. If it’s that manoeuvrable then it’s probably a daft rule.

Worst of all are the boundaries that don’t exist at all. Despite what our children may tell us, they actually do like rules and structure to their lives. They feel very lost without them and it makes them feel scared. They like to know that bedtime is 7.30 or library day is Thursday or Granny always grumbles about the price of sweets these days but it never stops her having a bar of chocolate in her handbag.

It might seem to every child that paradise would be staying up all night, eating junk food for every meal and never having to tidy their rooms, but reality is knowing that someone cares that they have a good night’s sleep, a healthy meal and a reasonably tidy bedroom.

So what are the best boundaries that our children can test? They are the ones that are clear and consistent. They may not like them – they usually don’t; they may kick against them – they usually do, but they will understand them and know they will be the same tomorrow and the day after.

Be Firm, Be Fair - But Most of All: Be Consistent!

The other day I was following a mum round the supermarket (by chance, of course, I don't stalk people for research purposes!) She had with her a baby in a carry-from-car seat, a slightly older child who was able to sit in the trolley seat next to the baby, and another child of about 3 or 4. The trolley itself was one of those enormous things that look impossible to push loaded only with children, let alone several days' food/household supplies. I was impressed by her cheerful manner, despite the fact that she was obviously tired and the baby was very tiny - couldn't have been more than a month old.

As is usual in most of our supermarkets, the first thing you encounter is the Fruit and Veg section. This mother set off quite jauntily considering the number of children she had with her and started what was obviously a familiar pattern. She told the 3 year old that they needed carrots and could he go and get four nice big ones. She gave him the necessary plastic bag and pointed him in the right general direction.

He homed in on the carrots and managed to put 3 in the bag. Mum smiled encouragingly and called to him, "One more please." The child, who was called David, managed this and returned proudly to his mum for his next instruction.

I smiled to myself and thought how lovely it was that despite her own physical problems, she was managing to continue what was such a good parenting technique for coping with small children in a supermarket. I gathered up the stuff I needed and moved on.

Our paths crossed many times; sometimes they were in front of me, sometimes lagging behind. Wherever they were, however, I was aware of the mum giving her clear instructions and praising each success or gently returning the mistakes - free-range organic chicken breasts do look just like ordinary ones, it's the price tag that makes the difference.

It's a big supermarket and even on your own a "big shop" takes ages. I became aware as we progressed round that this little family were all running out of steam. The baby was crying intermittently but with the penetrating sound which newborns make - you know the one that strikes at the heart of every mother in earshot, not just its own. The captive child was very bored and was turning round in his seat to get at the shopping. He had seen some favourite go into the trolley and wanted it now! Meanwhile, David was also bored with being "helpful" and "such a good boy" and wanted to free-lance.

He kept putting stuff in the trolley that he hadn't been asked for and that mum obviously didn't want to buy - huge bags of crisps, bars of chocolate, all the usual, highly-coloured, attractive to children lines that supermarkets have just to torment mothers shopping with children.

At first she just put the things back with a quiet "No, love, we don't need those. We've got plenty of crisps at home." But as she got more and more tired, and the baby and toddler got more fractious, so her patience ran out. She went very quiet. She sighed a lot. She glared at David. She put the unwanted stuff back with increasing violence.

Meanwhile David decided he didn't like this cross mummy and thought he would find somewhere nicer to be. He ran off down each aisle and ignored all attempts by his mum to call him back. In turn she tried ignoring him - usually a good strategy but very hard when you are tired, loaded with shopping and other crying children and everyone is looking at you like you are the most useless mother in the world.

She obviously thought she should be seen to be firmer and "in control". She tried "Come back now, David. I will count to 3 ... 1...2...." David didn't give a damn.

She progressed through all her parenting techniques in the space of two minutes and before you knew it, she was reduced to screaming! When this also failed she went back to trying Mrs. Nice Mummy and waved a bag of chocolate buttons enticingly. David wasn't having any of it.

So she did what we have all done (and regretted) she went into Terminator Mummy mode and grabbed David by the arm and kept him pinned to her side for the rest of time in the shop. She ignored all his attempts to escape/apologise/be helpful. She didn't make eye contact or speak to him. Somehow they got through the rest of their shopping list, paid and went back to their car.

I watched her strap each child in. Still she didn't speak. She put the shopping in the boot and got behind the wheel. As I walked past the front of the car I saw her turn round and give something to the middle child. Her window was open and the last thing I heard her say was directed at David, "You're getting nothing. You were a complete pain." Then she drove off, her body language screaming "stressed mother".

We can all relate to this scene. I doubt if there is any mother who hasn't had a similar experience. We start off with the best of intentions and then real life gets in the way.

It's very hard but we do have to try to manage our children's behaviour by being fair, firm and consistent. This mother certainly wasn't fair: why should the middle child get the chocolate? He was twisting around in his seat, trying to grab interesting stuff and cried most of the time. She tried being firm but it was firmness almost akin to violence - grabbing David and keeping him pinned to her side and ignoring his pleas. But worst of all she wasn't consistent. One minute she was being all kind and fluffy, then she was shouting, then silent, then threatening, and finally, downright horrible.

Hopefully, David will have a forgiving nature and a short memory. With luck by the time they next go to the supermarket Mum will have had a bit more sleep and David will be more than willing to gather up carrots. But if his life (or any other child's) is full of mixed messages from his parents, he will be very confused and won't know where he stands.

Is it any wonder that so many children give up on trying to behave well? Unfortunately I have heard so often the refrain: "I can't do anything right, so why bother?" "I'm going to get in trouble anyway so why should I try?"

We don't want our children to be in trouble or to give up. We want them to be happy and to succeed; if possible, at all they try to do. We must play our part in the bargain and be consistent.

The Emergency Cupboard

When I was writing the post for today on my other blog I made reference to my "emergency cupboard" and gave a brief description of its contents and use. However, I think it warrants some more information.

When you are a new mum, or even an experienced one for that matter, there are times when you can just do nothing right. Your toddler/young child is perhaps off-colour, brewing up some nice ear infection, or tired or bored or just any of the other things that cause them to be listless, aggravating, impossible to please or divert.

If you have already used up your repertoire of tricks: let's look out of the window and count cars, let's make something in the kitchen, let's build the tallest tower we can with all your bricks .... you know what I mean, then you need the "emergency cupboard"!

Away from prying eyes and fingers, keep a small supply of "new" stuff your child has never seen. They don't have to be big expensive toys, just stuff they have not seen before or are usually allowed to have. Thus I used to keep:
small packets of cheap crayons or coloured pencils,
some cheap, blank paper for scribbling,
one of those magic painting books where you just brush over them with water,
a couple of new story books with bright illustrations,
some small boxed games,
some cheap videos/dvds.
It's also handy to keep some leaflets like the ones Toys R Us send out, together with some scissors, a glue pen and an empty scrapbook.
In the "usually forbidden category" were some very small packets of those coloured sweets which are full of E numbers and things like fizzy strawberry shoelaces - these are desperate times!!

One of the best sources of cheap, "new" toys and games are charity shops. There you can find an endless supply of stuff that other parents have finished with but your child has never seen. Ordinary shops are full of stuff you would never pay good money for but obtained on the cheap, second-hand they provide great value and entertainment.

The trick to using your emergency cupboard wisely is not to go there too often. Think of it as a last resort. If you are forever producing new stuff or sweets etc whenever your child expresses the mere hint of boredom, you are defeating the object of having an "emergency" supply in the first place. The point is that it should be a diverting surprise every time.

You don't need to spend a fortune on it. I have even been known to put in toys and books the children already own but have forgotten about. I try to be strict about just how many toys/games each child has but I admit to being feeble about throwing anything out or passing it on. Thus we have bags of stuff in the loft which I bring out from time to time and the children are engrossed with them once again.

If all else fails and the scrap book/"new" toy/game have been abandoned, get that unseen video/dvd out and curl up on the sofa together. It works every time! Let's face it - what they really want is your undivided attention - this way at least you get a lie-down.

Try and Listen! (I know it's not always easy)

In day-to-day life we talk with our children all the time. There are a dozen different conversations, many the same boring refrain: “It’s time to get up” “Aren’t you dressed yet?” “Where’s your book bag/sports kit/homework?” “When will you be back?” “Did you have nice day?”…. the list is endless.

Then there are the conversations our children have with us: “Why is it Thursday?” “Can David/Jamie/Rebecca come home with us for tea?” “Just one more go, pleeeeeease”. “Sophie’s mum lets her stay out late/have purple hair/drink Bacardi Breezers til she’s sick!”

They don’t really qualify as true conversations; they are just the verbal bookmarks in our daily life. However when your child, of whatever age, really wants to tell you something, then you should really listen. I know this isn’t always possible. My children often come into the kitchen to tell me earth-shatteringly important stuff when I am cooking dinner. I want to listen properly and give their news the attention it deserves, but I also want to feed six hungry people.

Another favourite trick of theirs is to try to have a conversation with me when I am on the loo. This dates from when they were toddlers and thought nothing of following me to the bathroom to continue chatting/playing/enjoying my company. It is very hard to give serious consideration to a plan to go backpacking up Everest when you are wiping your bum!

Try to overcome these practical problems and do your listening where you can actually see each other. The next and most important factor is: give them your undivided attention. Make constant eye-contact, smile, nod, make encouraging noises, ask relevant questions at appropriate moments but most of all, listen.

If you don’t believe what a difference this can make to your child, try the following experiment with a friend or your partner. Sit close to them and talk about a serious issue that you feel strongly about for several minutes. But, before you start talking, you tell them that they are to fidget, look away from you, stare out of the window, get out their mobile phone and check for messages, generally not pay attention. You will be amazed how quickly you just can’t go on. You will start to forget your argument. You will get cross and frustrated. You will give up because it is obvious they are just not listening.

Then, repeat the exercise but this time tell them they must give you their full attention. They must make eye contact, nod and smile, i.e. everything I described above. You will be amazed at the difference it makes to how you feel and how it enables you to get whatever it is off your chest.

So, if that is what it feels like for an adult, think how much harder it is for a child. If you can get into the habit of truly listening when they tell you the trivial things in their lives, then hopefully they will come to you to share the really important stuff. One of the saddest things I hear other children saying is “I can’t talk to my parents, they never listen.”

I’m not perfect. I know I have fobbed my children off when I have been busy or tired or just plain bored with the tediousness of their ramblings. But I hope I have listened, properly, often enough for them to continue to tell me their hopes and fears. If ever they were in trouble I want to be the first person they think of to talk to and when they achieve each fantastic goal in their lives, I want to be the first person they run to tell.

Revised Notes on the "Mummy Mafia"

When I wrote the original article about the “Mummy Mafia” I was unaware of the content of a book that is out at the moment called “The Playground Mafia” by Sarah Tucker. I had seen the book on the shelves in various places but hadn’t realised how toxic the theme of the competitive mothers was until I read a feature about it in the Daily Mail (16^th November).

As a result, I feel I should make a few things clear. First of all, I have been using the expression “Mummy Mafia” for years. I don’t know where I got it from; I don’t think I coined it originally, it just emerged in our family vocabulary. I have always used it in the context of mothers supporting other mothers, most often with shared knowledge, but with no other agenda.

Mums at whatever stage of the parenting game are always up against it where their children are concerned. Whether it is in the early days when we don’t have a clue what we’re doing and are too exhausted to read a handbook, or later when teenagers are stone-walling us with no communication or insight into their lives, we need all the help we can get.

I remember particularly one episode of the power of the united strength of mums. My eldest child had just started senior school and witnessed another child whom she knew, but not well, being intimidated by some older pupils. This being their first day, she was worried and didn’t know what to do about it. Fortunately she was still young enough to blurt it all out at the dinner table and was obviously expecting me to provide a workable solution.

My dilemma was whether I should tell the other mother what had happened to her child. On the face of it, not a problem at all, but I was dithering because I didn’t know the family very well. If it had been one of my daughter’s immediate friends I would have been on the phone straight away. I try to have a policy in life of treating people as I would wish to be treated. Thus I thought “how would I feel if I found out my daughter was being bullied and another mother had heard about it on day one and had not said anything?” The answer is obvious: I would be furious and feel extremely let down. So I rang this mother, explained my dilemma, apologised if she thought I was being a busy-body but hoped she would understand my motives. She did. She was relieved to have been told straight away. She spoke to her daughter and the problem was nipped in the bud.

Another more extreme example was when we learned that a child we did know well was self-harming. A very painful conversation between mothers ensued but again we worked together to support our children.

In turn I have been helped by my circle of friends with lifts when I couldn’t drive, shopping when I couldn’t get out and babysitting when I needed to escape.

I have been fortunate in that I have never encountered the hostile competitiveness that the book describes. I am sure it exists; I am just grateful that it hasn’t been my experience. So when I encouraged you to join your own local Mummy Mafia, it was to join a group of women who had one common objective, to support their children, not do one another down. I believed that to be important when I wrote the first article and I believe it still.

Leaving Your 3 Year Old At Nursery

There are all manner of different childcare options these days, from the original extended-family to all-day expensive nurseries, or childminders or au pairs or live-in nannies – the list is endless. If we follow the trend that this Government seems to be encouraging, ie that women should be out there in the working world rather than at home caring for their under-fives, then more and more options will be needed.

However, the point of this article is not to argue the pros and cons of childcare that is needed so that the mother can return to paid employment but rather some practical advice for mums about that thorny problem: separation anxiety.

I am going to use the setting that I know most about: a Nursery School, attached to a primary school and staffed by teachers/Nursery Nurses. I have worked within this type of setting for many years and have also been on the receiving end as a mother.

For many mums, even though they understand just how important nursery education is, it is extremely hard to leave your three-year old with comparative strangers and expect to be happy about it.

You may have visited the Nursery several times. You hopefully have had chats with the staff and shown your child all the exciting things he/she will be able to do there. But nothing really prepares you for how you will feel when you have to say goodbye and walk off, leaving your child behind.

I have seen some mothers who frankly can’t get out of the building quick enough. Their children are equally divided into those who also can’t get away from their mothers fast enough either and embrace their new world with delight, and those who sob bitter tears at being abandoned for ever.

The more usual pattern of behaviour though is that the mothers know they must leave their child but are reluctant to do so. This is partly because they genuinely don’t want to abandon them and also partly because they don’t want to be seen to be too eager to rush off.

In my experience the least stressful way of approaching nursery is this:

First, find a setting that you feel most comfortable with. In order to do this, visit several and try to spend some time there with your child. You will have a strong basic instinct about whether your child would like it there. Is it warm/sunny/bright? Are the children all gainfully employed at a variety of activities? Are the staff approachable and smiling? Do they genuinely seem to like working there? Do they actually like children? (Amazingly some don’t!) Are there the right number of children? Perhaps your child likes smaller places and huge, noisy rooms full of dozens of children all rushing about, would frighten and overwhelm him/her. Watch to see what your child’s reaction to everything is. If they are keen to get involved in whatever is there and reluctant to leave because they haven’t seen everything yet, then that’s a good sign.

Having decided on the actual nursery, you now need to take your child there for several short visits. They need only be for 10-15 minutes (you don’t want to be a nuisance to the staff or appear as overly fussy). The idea is to get your child used to going to nursery and associating it with happy times. If you can manage to include a story time then this will be very useful as it is an easy introduction to the notion of “sitting still” with all the other children.

It is very important, however, not to spend too long there at each visit, otherwise your child will associate the nursery as a lovely place to go to that you stay at as well. This is not the idea. The whole point is to foster the notion that nursery is a wonderful place where they can do fantastic things to tell you about when you pick them up.

Before they actually start at Nursery, make sure you talk about all the things that they will be doing there: the playdough, the watertray, the dressing up clothes, the Home Corner, storytime etc. Also talk about the routine on the day(s) they will be going. What time they will need to get up, how they will get to Nursery (car/walk/bus), and most important of all, that you will be doing really boring things while they are there, so they aren’t missing anything. The final reinforced message you give them will be that you will be there to collect them.

On the first day that you are to leave them at Nursery make sure you give yourself lots of time. If you get there too early/too late your anxiety will be conveyed to your child. Arrive calmly, chat to another mum if you feel able to or just point out interesting things to your child on the way in. Make yourself known to a member of staff and lead your child in. Walk around with them and show them what activities are available that day.

The Nursery will have a policy for what to do on a child’s first day. Perhaps they will allow mum to stay for 10 minutes and then suggest she goes. Perhaps they will encourage separation straight away and the child will be handed to a member of staff (who hopefully will be cuddly and kind and ease the transition of care). How ever it is done, do make sure you say “goodbye” properly and state clearly that you will be back. Mums (or dads) who sneak off when their child is momentarily looking the other way are not helping themselves or their child. When this happens, most children think that their parent can’t be trusted and won’t take their eyes off them. Naturally this slows and hampers the process of teaching the child that Nursery is a lovely, safe place to be.

A lot of children do howl when they are first left. The sense of abandonment is great when you are only three and no matter how you tried to hide it, they will have sensed your anxiety. Please believe me when I tell you that the vast majority of children do stop crying very quickly. They may be subdued for a while but they soon realise that they are safe and that there are lots of interesting things going on. What will help more than anything is the fact that they will be surrounded by lots of other children who aren’t crying. The message will get through to them: it is ok here.

Finally, make sure you turn up to collect your child on time. I know someone has to be the last parent to arrive but make sure it isn’t you. When they have been at Nursery for a while they probably won’t care much if you are late, they will be too busy helping clear up or reading a book, but on Day one, they will care. Be at the door with a smiling face, a huge hug and a place on the fridge door for the first of many works of art.

Why Would I Want To Join A Babysitting Circle?

If the thought of other people’s children fills you with dread or you have been known to mutter under your breath, “I don’t like my own kids very much, why the hell should I spend an evening with someone else’s!” then perhaps you would shy away from the idea of a babysitting circle. However, I would like to put forward an argument in support of them.

When you become a mother for the first time, you really do not know what has hit you. Friends and relatives may have warned you, you may have had older brothers and sisters who hit parenthood before you, but nothing truly prepares you for the reality that is being a mother.

You will probably never have another solid night’s sleep in your life. Your bladder may return to its former glory but your boobs never will – don’t kid yourself! And you will probably never again have the pleasure of your partner’s company uninterrupted by demands from your child/children. That is, unless you leave the little dears with someone you trust and run away. Just for a couple of hours, of course, and only as far as the cinema or a restaurant.

If you have the luxury of family members close by, whom you both like and trust (a tricky combination, not always applicable to every relative), then you have a supply of babysitters on tap. Most of us, however, have to rely on friends and neighbours. This is where the baby sitting circle comes into its own.

If you have already joined the Mummy Mafia (see previous post: The Power of the Mummy Mafia) then you will have a selection of mothers to choose from that you would be willing to let near your precious child. If you pick families whose circumstances (financial/geographical/cultural) are similar to yours then you will encounter fewer problems.

When you think about it, most mums spend each evening going through the same necessary but tedious ritual with their children. From the early stages of bath/story/bed through to “Have you done your homework?” “No, not just one more go on the Playstation!” “You spoke to Stephanie five minutes ago, she doesn’t need a text message!” we spend evening after evening saying and doing the same things. But have you noticed how even the stroppiest children seem to behave for other people in a way that they would never concede at home. So, just once in a while, do a swap with a friend. Leave your partner at home to tackle getting your own children to bed: the experience will be good for his soul, and you babysit some other children. With luck they will go to bed like lambs and you can be downstairs watching the soaps well before 8.30pm. (Even if the worst happens and they play you up, you can console yourself with the knowledge that tomorrow night they will be someone else’s problem!)

The newly-freed-of-responsibility parents will have escaped with silly grins on their faces and will return indebted to you forever. Well, not quite forever: just until you want a night out and then you cash in your debt.

If you can build up a small circle of trustworthy mothers – and I don’t just mean trustworthy with your children, I mean trustworthy in that they won’t renege on the deal at the last minute or worse, never be “available” to take their turn, despite having had four free sessions already, then there is every chance that you can maintain some semblance of a relationship with your partner. Remember you both need and deserve some TLC for yourselves. You never stint in providing this for your children but parents need nurturing as well. Even if you only find one other mother to swap with, it still represents a regular opportunity to have a break from the never-ending task that is being a mother. Prime Ministers and brain surgeons get days off, so why shouldn’t mothers? After all, I consider the job they are doing is more important.

The Power of The Mummy Mafia

No new mother should underestimate the power and usefulness of the “Mummy Mafia”. As their name implies: they have knowledge, they have contacts, they can ease your progress if they give you their support. But don’t imagine that they will bring about dire retribution if you disrespect them – they won’t. They will just carry on helping each other through good times and bad and if you’re stupid enough to think you don’t need them and can “go it alone”, well more fool you!

Whether your child is one month or sixteen years and one month, there will always be problems, worries, concerns and occasionally, moments of sheer joy and bliss. At both extremes of the parenting spectrum you need your support group. Don’t think I am denigrating or belittling the role of the fathers in all this. I am not. They are just as important and vital to the child’s well-being. The point I want to make it how useful it is to have, on hand, a variety of other women who know what you are going through.

Think of the one or two good friends you have that know you really well. They know all, or nearly all, of your secrets, they know “where you’re coming from” (goodness, I hate that expression!) and when you have a conversation with them, you take up the thread as if you only left their company two minutes ago. You don’t have to explain what you mean or describe the characters involved, they already know.

That’s what it’s like with the Mummy Mafia. Only another woman who has spent a sleepless night nursing an ailing child can truly sympathise with another mother who is exhausted and at the end of her tether. Childless friends might pay lip-service to the idea that it’s tiring having your night’s sleep broken again and again, but only another mother really knows – and will say the right thing, give practical advice, or perhaps, if you are really lucky, take your baby for a long walk one afternoon and let you have a nap in blissful, unbroken silence.

It doesn’t stop though, just because you have passed the nappy and night feed stage. Every month of their lives your children will present you with new or repeated concerns. One of the things I use to keep myself sane is repeating “Whatever I am worrying about today will eventually be resolved, for good or bad, but will be replaced by something else. Think back to what you were worrying about last month. It seemed like the end of the world but it wasn’t, and there will be something else next month.” Daunting eh? Of course it is. Parenting is scary stuff. You get more information in the handbook with a new stereo than you do when that midwife hands you your new baby. So we all need all the help we can get.

Don’t ever cut yourself off from other mothers. Whether it is the mother and baby group, the playground clique, the mother’s taxi service – get involved, be a part of it, take your turn. It will pay huge dividends for you and your child. There will always be someone who is looking out for you and best of all, understands.

Join your local Mummy Mafia now!