Be Firm, Be Fair - But Most of All: Be Consistent!
The other day I was following a mum round the supermarket (by chance, of course, I don't stalk people for research purposes!) She had with her a baby in a carry-from-car seat, a slightly older child who was able to sit in the trolley seat next to the baby, and another child of about 3 or 4. The trolley itself was one of those enormous things that look impossible to push loaded only with children, let alone several days' food/household supplies. I was impressed by her cheerful manner, despite the fact that she was obviously tired and the baby was very tiny - couldn't have been more than a month old.
As is usual in most of our supermarkets, the first thing you encounter is the Fruit and Veg section. This mother set off quite jauntily considering the number of children she had with her and started what was obviously a familiar pattern. She told the 3 year old that they needed carrots and could he go and get four nice big ones. She gave him the necessary plastic bag and pointed him in the right general direction.
He homed in on the carrots and managed to put 3 in the bag. Mum smiled encouragingly and called to him, "One more please." The child, who was called David, managed this and returned proudly to his mum for his next instruction.
I smiled to myself and thought how lovely it was that despite her own physical problems, she was managing to continue what was such a good parenting technique for coping with small children in a supermarket. I gathered up the stuff I needed and moved on.
Our paths crossed many times; sometimes they were in front of me, sometimes lagging behind. Wherever they were, however, I was aware of the mum giving her clear instructions and praising each success or gently returning the mistakes - free-range organic chicken breasts do look just like ordinary ones, it's the price tag that makes the difference.
It's a big supermarket and even on your own a "big shop" takes ages. I became aware as we progressed round that this little family were all running out of steam. The baby was crying intermittently but with the penetrating sound which newborns make - you know the one that strikes at the heart of every mother in earshot, not just its own. The captive child was very bored and was turning round in his seat to get at the shopping. He had seen some favourite go into the trolley and wanted it now! Meanwhile, David was also bored with being "helpful" and "such a good boy" and wanted to free-lance.
He kept putting stuff in the trolley that he hadn't been asked for and that mum obviously didn't want to buy - huge bags of crisps, bars of chocolate, all the usual, highly-coloured, attractive to children lines that supermarkets have just to torment mothers shopping with children.
At first she just put the things back with a quiet "No, love, we don't need those. We've got plenty of crisps at home." But as she got more and more tired, and the baby and toddler got more fractious, so her patience ran out. She went very quiet. She sighed a lot. She glared at David. She put the unwanted stuff back with increasing violence.
Meanwhile David decided he didn't like this cross mummy and thought he would find somewhere nicer to be. He ran off down each aisle and ignored all attempts by his mum to call him back. In turn she tried ignoring him - usually a good strategy but very hard when you are tired, loaded with shopping and other crying children and everyone is looking at you like you are the most useless mother in the world.
She obviously thought she should be seen to be firmer and "in control". She tried "Come back now, David. I will count to 3 ... 1...2...." David didn't give a damn.
She progressed through all her parenting techniques in the space of two minutes and before you knew it, she was reduced to screaming! When this also failed she went back to trying Mrs. Nice Mummy and waved a bag of chocolate buttons enticingly. David wasn't having any of it.
So she did what we have all done (and regretted) she went into Terminator Mummy mode and grabbed David by the arm and kept him pinned to her side for the rest of time in the shop. She ignored all his attempts to escape/apologise/be helpful. She didn't make eye contact or speak to him. Somehow they got through the rest of their shopping list, paid and went back to their car.
I watched her strap each child in. Still she didn't speak. She put the shopping in the boot and got behind the wheel. As I walked past the front of the car I saw her turn round and give something to the middle child. Her window was open and the last thing I heard her say was directed at David, "You're getting nothing. You were a complete pain." Then she drove off, her body language screaming "stressed mother".
We can all relate to this scene. I doubt if there is any mother who hasn't had a similar experience. We start off with the best of intentions and then real life gets in the way.
It's very hard but we do have to try to manage our children's behaviour by being fair, firm and consistent. This mother certainly wasn't fair: why should the middle child get the chocolate? He was twisting around in his seat, trying to grab interesting stuff and cried most of the time. She tried being firm but it was firmness almost akin to violence - grabbing David and keeping him pinned to her side and ignoring his pleas. But worst of all she wasn't consistent. One minute she was being all kind and fluffy, then she was shouting, then silent, then threatening, and finally, downright horrible.
Hopefully, David will have a forgiving nature and a short memory. With luck by the time they next go to the supermarket Mum will have had a bit more sleep and David will be more than willing to gather up carrots. But if his life (or any other child's) is full of mixed messages from his parents, he will be very confused and won't know where he stands.
Is it any wonder that so many children give up on trying to behave well? Unfortunately I have heard so often the refrain: "I can't do anything right, so why bother?" "I'm going to get in trouble anyway so why should I try?"
We don't want our children to be in trouble or to give up. We want them to be happy and to succeed; if possible, at all they try to do. We must play our part in the bargain and be consistent.
As is usual in most of our supermarkets, the first thing you encounter is the Fruit and Veg section. This mother set off quite jauntily considering the number of children she had with her and started what was obviously a familiar pattern. She told the 3 year old that they needed carrots and could he go and get four nice big ones. She gave him the necessary plastic bag and pointed him in the right general direction.
He homed in on the carrots and managed to put 3 in the bag. Mum smiled encouragingly and called to him, "One more please." The child, who was called David, managed this and returned proudly to his mum for his next instruction.
I smiled to myself and thought how lovely it was that despite her own physical problems, she was managing to continue what was such a good parenting technique for coping with small children in a supermarket. I gathered up the stuff I needed and moved on.
Our paths crossed many times; sometimes they were in front of me, sometimes lagging behind. Wherever they were, however, I was aware of the mum giving her clear instructions and praising each success or gently returning the mistakes - free-range organic chicken breasts do look just like ordinary ones, it's the price tag that makes the difference.
It's a big supermarket and even on your own a "big shop" takes ages. I became aware as we progressed round that this little family were all running out of steam. The baby was crying intermittently but with the penetrating sound which newborns make - you know the one that strikes at the heart of every mother in earshot, not just its own. The captive child was very bored and was turning round in his seat to get at the shopping. He had seen some favourite go into the trolley and wanted it now! Meanwhile, David was also bored with being "helpful" and "such a good boy" and wanted to free-lance.
He kept putting stuff in the trolley that he hadn't been asked for and that mum obviously didn't want to buy - huge bags of crisps, bars of chocolate, all the usual, highly-coloured, attractive to children lines that supermarkets have just to torment mothers shopping with children.
At first she just put the things back with a quiet "No, love, we don't need those. We've got plenty of crisps at home." But as she got more and more tired, and the baby and toddler got more fractious, so her patience ran out. She went very quiet. She sighed a lot. She glared at David. She put the unwanted stuff back with increasing violence.
Meanwhile David decided he didn't like this cross mummy and thought he would find somewhere nicer to be. He ran off down each aisle and ignored all attempts by his mum to call him back. In turn she tried ignoring him - usually a good strategy but very hard when you are tired, loaded with shopping and other crying children and everyone is looking at you like you are the most useless mother in the world.
She obviously thought she should be seen to be firmer and "in control". She tried "Come back now, David. I will count to 3 ... 1...2...." David didn't give a damn.
She progressed through all her parenting techniques in the space of two minutes and before you knew it, she was reduced to screaming! When this also failed she went back to trying Mrs. Nice Mummy and waved a bag of chocolate buttons enticingly. David wasn't having any of it.
So she did what we have all done (and regretted) she went into Terminator Mummy mode and grabbed David by the arm and kept him pinned to her side for the rest of time in the shop. She ignored all his attempts to escape/apologise/be helpful. She didn't make eye contact or speak to him. Somehow they got through the rest of their shopping list, paid and went back to their car.
I watched her strap each child in. Still she didn't speak. She put the shopping in the boot and got behind the wheel. As I walked past the front of the car I saw her turn round and give something to the middle child. Her window was open and the last thing I heard her say was directed at David, "You're getting nothing. You were a complete pain." Then she drove off, her body language screaming "stressed mother".
We can all relate to this scene. I doubt if there is any mother who hasn't had a similar experience. We start off with the best of intentions and then real life gets in the way.
It's very hard but we do have to try to manage our children's behaviour by being fair, firm and consistent. This mother certainly wasn't fair: why should the middle child get the chocolate? He was twisting around in his seat, trying to grab interesting stuff and cried most of the time. She tried being firm but it was firmness almost akin to violence - grabbing David and keeping him pinned to her side and ignoring his pleas. But worst of all she wasn't consistent. One minute she was being all kind and fluffy, then she was shouting, then silent, then threatening, and finally, downright horrible.
Hopefully, David will have a forgiving nature and a short memory. With luck by the time they next go to the supermarket Mum will have had a bit more sleep and David will be more than willing to gather up carrots. But if his life (or any other child's) is full of mixed messages from his parents, he will be very confused and won't know where he stands.
Is it any wonder that so many children give up on trying to behave well? Unfortunately I have heard so often the refrain: "I can't do anything right, so why bother?" "I'm going to get in trouble anyway so why should I try?"
We don't want our children to be in trouble or to give up. We want them to be happy and to succeed; if possible, at all they try to do. We must play our part in the bargain and be consistent.
posted by Lisa Warner @ 11:37 AM
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