Revised Notes on the "Mummy Mafia"

When I wrote the original article about the “Mummy Mafia” I was unaware of the content of a book that is out at the moment called “The Playground Mafia” by Sarah Tucker. I had seen the book on the shelves in various places but hadn’t realised how toxic the theme of the competitive mothers was until I read a feature about it in the Daily Mail (16^th November).

As a result, I feel I should make a few things clear. First of all, I have been using the expression “Mummy Mafia” for years. I don’t know where I got it from; I don’t think I coined it originally, it just emerged in our family vocabulary. I have always used it in the context of mothers supporting other mothers, most often with shared knowledge, but with no other agenda.

Mums at whatever stage of the parenting game are always up against it where their children are concerned. Whether it is in the early days when we don’t have a clue what we’re doing and are too exhausted to read a handbook, or later when teenagers are stone-walling us with no communication or insight into their lives, we need all the help we can get.

I remember particularly one episode of the power of the united strength of mums. My eldest child had just started senior school and witnessed another child whom she knew, but not well, being intimidated by some older pupils. This being their first day, she was worried and didn’t know what to do about it. Fortunately she was still young enough to blurt it all out at the dinner table and was obviously expecting me to provide a workable solution.

My dilemma was whether I should tell the other mother what had happened to her child. On the face of it, not a problem at all, but I was dithering because I didn’t know the family very well. If it had been one of my daughter’s immediate friends I would have been on the phone straight away. I try to have a policy in life of treating people as I would wish to be treated. Thus I thought “how would I feel if I found out my daughter was being bullied and another mother had heard about it on day one and had not said anything?” The answer is obvious: I would be furious and feel extremely let down. So I rang this mother, explained my dilemma, apologised if she thought I was being a busy-body but hoped she would understand my motives. She did. She was relieved to have been told straight away. She spoke to her daughter and the problem was nipped in the bud.

Another more extreme example was when we learned that a child we did know well was self-harming. A very painful conversation between mothers ensued but again we worked together to support our children.

In turn I have been helped by my circle of friends with lifts when I couldn’t drive, shopping when I couldn’t get out and babysitting when I needed to escape.

I have been fortunate in that I have never encountered the hostile competitiveness that the book describes. I am sure it exists; I am just grateful that it hasn’t been my experience. So when I encouraged you to join your own local Mummy Mafia, it was to join a group of women who had one common objective, to support their children, not do one another down. I believed that to be important when I wrote the first article and I believe it still.