Try and Listen! (I know it's not always easy)

In day-to-day life we talk with our children all the time. There are a dozen different conversations, many the same boring refrain: “It’s time to get up” “Aren’t you dressed yet?” “Where’s your book bag/sports kit/homework?” “When will you be back?” “Did you have nice day?”…. the list is endless.

Then there are the conversations our children have with us: “Why is it Thursday?” “Can David/Jamie/Rebecca come home with us for tea?” “Just one more go, pleeeeeease”. “Sophie’s mum lets her stay out late/have purple hair/drink Bacardi Breezers til she’s sick!”

They don’t really qualify as true conversations; they are just the verbal bookmarks in our daily life. However when your child, of whatever age, really wants to tell you something, then you should really listen. I know this isn’t always possible. My children often come into the kitchen to tell me earth-shatteringly important stuff when I am cooking dinner. I want to listen properly and give their news the attention it deserves, but I also want to feed six hungry people.

Another favourite trick of theirs is to try to have a conversation with me when I am on the loo. This dates from when they were toddlers and thought nothing of following me to the bathroom to continue chatting/playing/enjoying my company. It is very hard to give serious consideration to a plan to go backpacking up Everest when you are wiping your bum!

Try to overcome these practical problems and do your listening where you can actually see each other. The next and most important factor is: give them your undivided attention. Make constant eye-contact, smile, nod, make encouraging noises, ask relevant questions at appropriate moments but most of all, listen.

If you don’t believe what a difference this can make to your child, try the following experiment with a friend or your partner. Sit close to them and talk about a serious issue that you feel strongly about for several minutes. But, before you start talking, you tell them that they are to fidget, look away from you, stare out of the window, get out their mobile phone and check for messages, generally not pay attention. You will be amazed how quickly you just can’t go on. You will start to forget your argument. You will get cross and frustrated. You will give up because it is obvious they are just not listening.

Then, repeat the exercise but this time tell them they must give you their full attention. They must make eye contact, nod and smile, i.e. everything I described above. You will be amazed at the difference it makes to how you feel and how it enables you to get whatever it is off your chest.

So, if that is what it feels like for an adult, think how much harder it is for a child. If you can get into the habit of truly listening when they tell you the trivial things in their lives, then hopefully they will come to you to share the really important stuff. One of the saddest things I hear other children saying is “I can’t talk to my parents, they never listen.”

I’m not perfect. I know I have fobbed my children off when I have been busy or tired or just plain bored with the tediousness of their ramblings. But I hope I have listened, properly, often enough for them to continue to tell me their hopes and fears. If ever they were in trouble I want to be the first person they think of to talk to and when they achieve each fantastic goal in their lives, I want to be the first person they run to tell.